Here is a list of all the sexist jokes I have heard most of them are quite funny but a lot of them are just shite.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, youv said it two times already.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2: One to hold the ladder and one to hold the light bulb while the Earth revolves around her.
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
10: One to make dough and nine to peel the M&M's.
The perfect man, the perfect woman and Santaclause are all stuck in a lift together
and there is a �5 pound note ($5 dollar bill for Americans) on the floor. Which one of them picks it up?
The perfect man because the other two don't exist.
Why are womens feet smaller than mens?
So they can get closer to the sink.
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel "Any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them.
"Yeah, looks like it"
"Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again...... "Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....."
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. "Don't discuss your problems with him;
it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant
and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.
"And, most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year,
I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife,
"What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.
A blonde decides to try riding horseback, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip,
she leaps away from the horse and tries to throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup
and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head strikes the ground over and over again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when --fortunately
the WalMart manager sees her and shuts off the horse.
A man and a woman both jump of a cliff. Which one will reach the bottom first?
The man because the woman stops and asks for direction.
One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across
an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and,
much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes,"
said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued.
"What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously.
The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes,
your wife will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."
"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
"Now, your wife has been given TWO Ferraris,"
said the Genie.
"What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF!
One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now, your wife is TWO million dollars richer,"
the Genie reminded the man.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.
"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.
The man thought long and hard, and finally said,
"Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
If your wife wife keeps coming into the kitchen to moan at you
what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."
This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well," she says, "God is both black and white." This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent,
the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this the boy's face lights up with understanding
and he triumphantly asks... "Is Michael Jackson God?"
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.
As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt,
the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack.
The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on.
This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked,
"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a
captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus,
you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack.
The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed,
"Bring me my brown pants!"
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife,
"Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care.
Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
especially two shiny walls that could move apart, and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady, limping slightly, and with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls,
and presses a button. The walls opened, and the lady walks between them, into a small room. The walls closed.
The boy and his father watched as small circles of lights with numbers above the wall light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up, in reverse direction now. The walls opened up again, and a beautiful young blonde stepped out...
The father said to his son, "GO GET YOUR MOTHER!!!"
"Here's your problem," says the doctor to the first-time father.
"This baby's in serious need of a diaper change." Looking baffled, the man replies,
"But the package says it's good for eight to 10 pounds!"
The pretty coed was shocked when the biology professor asked her
"What part of the human anatomy enlarges to about 10 times its normal size during periods of emotion or excitement?"
"I - I - I refuse to answer that question," the girl stammered and blushingly turned her face away.
Another student was asked the same question and answered correctly, "The pupil of the eye."
"Miss Fenster," said the professor, "your refusal to answer the question leads me to three conclusions.
One: You didn't study last night's assignment.
Two: You have a dirty mind
Three: Your marriage will be a tremendous disappointment."